Learning to Witness by Knowing Myself
by Roren
Summary: It has been a year since I can say I've been 'with God'. I've finally seen both sides of the hyper-Christian world, and hope I can share some of my revelations.


Introduction 

_"Your religion sucks. You are an idiot. I'm better than you. Join my super-cool religion NOW or you are a stupid wanker." - Lilac (anonymous reviewer)_

I'm a good-humoured person, and I hope all who read this find this statement to have the same humorous tone I find it to have. Unfortunately, it has its underlying darker truth. 

Witnessing for some is a higher calling, which is understandable. With many songs out there having kids sing 'I want to be your hands, I want to be your feet,' dozens of times over and over again, the zealous emotion instilled every week can be a source of confidence. And with the internet an anonymous meeting place where one can openly share their views and opinions from behind a blank screen, it seems like the ideal place to start, or continue, their quest for a place to witness. 

It wouldn't be such a great place to bring such topics up as religion if there were not a willing ear. Some search out controversy, some are searching for a new idea or opinion, some want truth, some want to debunk it, and others just want fellowship, and intelligent conversation about one of the most controversial issues of all time is as good a place as any to start. Religion means as many different things to us all as there are different people here. We are willing to listen, we are willing to share, we allow ourselves to hear offensive things and retort. I firmly believe that Eleanor Roosevelt was correct in her statement that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. No one can offend you, you must allow yourself to be. Which is why we have no law against being offended in our respective countries (if you live in the Western world). 

That is why I write this, partly as an encouragement to those Christians trying to find their way in wisdom and understanding to grow in their walk, and partly to apologise or explain it to those who are too often at the receiving line of the first top statement. Its full meaning can be found if you read Nightwitch's 'Why?', but to understand it in context, here is the following: 

…when a Christian witnesses to me, they might as well just say "Your religion sucks. You are an idiot. I'm better than you. Join my super-cool religion NOW or you are a stupid wanker". Honestly. That is what I hear. And you wouldn't like it if I said that to you, would you? 

Because Lilac reviewed anonymously, I could not track her down to ask her for her permission to use her statement, but since it is unfortunately not a very original one, it inspired me to bring my opinion on the topic to light. There are three parts of this story; the introduction, which you've just read, the reasoning I have for my opinions, which is next, and then my conclusion, which will be marked, 'conclusion'. Hopefully it is apt for anyone who wishes to read it, Christian and non alike. 

My Witnessing History 

I attribute much of my, and other's, zealous, oftentimes foolish witnessing to a lack of experience, age, and being an unwise young Christian. I've heard some patriotically say things along the lines of, 'at the end of the day, how have I helped further the kingdom of Heaven? Who cares what happens to me or my reputation or if I offend people, what may happen if I stay silent?' Now, I'm not here to disapprove of some extreme tactics, as, after all, all personalities and methods have their place and audience, but I found this one particularly disturbing in that while attempting to further the kingdom of Heaven, one might be doing more to damage it. 

Hypocrites are the worst for that; preaching the gospel or of God's love, then acting otherwise. I shared my testimony at my school last Easter, a little over a year ago, and ended up crying in front of my entire school as I told passionately about God's love. I implored them with the Holy Spirit guiding my words to recognise that God was more than just a character in a heavy book taught in school, that his love was real and more than just a fixture of a culture their parents raised them with. I was on fire for God and made an impact, but that very night my fire came under attack. From that night since - just over a year - I've found there to be great strain on my relationship with God. 

Nothing has been more difficult than this past year at school, knowing that anyone who had heard that message vaguely or strongly associated it with my face as I walked down the hall every day. I had no idea what they all thought of me, I knew how some did, but for the most part, I wondered how many watched me, observing me for the first time to see what was so different. It frustrated me to no end because I could not act in love. I could not be the person I wanted to be, I felt abandoned, I felt alone. I admit there were times I was screaming at God in my head, feeling close to hatred for being left alone. I didn't doubt his existence for more than a second, but I doubted his goodness. 

I found myself returning harshly to my feelings of despair and depression, and wanting ever so much to have the opportunity to die. I knew that I couldn't. I had had a passion to tell my school for so long about how I had come to Christ in my lowest time, when I was suicidal. I knew that if I ever did, I could never kill myself after that, because then they would think it was all a lie. I found myself bargaining with God, saying things like, 'Just let me die naturally, that way, they can still have a chance to be with you, and experience your love, but I cannot live another moment without you, as you have given up on me.' Of course, God is faithful, and did not leave me, but I was in dark times and moments of my life when I felt without God that it made me grow in a different way. 

There are times when life is hard, and relying on God for strength brings you through. Then there are times when life is hard because you feel like you're going at it alone, and you need to search for God, and never give up. Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into a year that I felt I was no more than a new, struggling Christian. I felt like I had stepped down from any advancement I had ever made in my relationship with Christ. I was ashamed for the things I thought. I am ashamed of the things I did. 

But God is faithful. We can doubt his faithfulness, his goodness, but once he's written our names in the book of life, there is no eraser. We can't give up in our search for him, seek and ye shall find, right? My life, I pray will be a constant search, a search for wisdom, understanding, knowledge, anything that can help me further his kingdom and love better. I realise now that I didn't take back all the steps I had taken with Christ, I may have regressed, and it will take a time to hammer out the sins in my life again, but I've learned something you cannot learn any other way. I've learned perseverance, endurance, patience, hope, and most importantly, love. Once again, God has shown that he has never forgotten, never abandoned me. 

Conclusion 

Life gets harder. But when the road gets tough, the tough gets going. Or something like that. My past is the past, all I can do is act on today, with the knowledge I have, to the best of my ability. I encourage the Christians here and everywhere to continue to the best of their ability what they feel lead by God to do. I felt anointed by God to share my testimony with my school, it was a powerful message, and took about eight months to put together, but obeying God was more satisfying than anything. I felt without purpose afterwards, I begged for a mission to give me some sort of goal to attain, but God let me be. Sometimes, the best witness is love. Patience, the fruits of the spirit in times of heartache and trouble, sometimes even silence, can speak louder than words. Friendship is also a powerful witness. I met a friend at fanfiction over three years ago that I talk with every day. She probably knows more about me than my real life best friend. We don't need to be the next Billy Graham to change the world. 

I guess to you, I bless you all in your attempts to share the gospel, and the good news, but I encourage you to remember that most people who come to the Bible section here have already heard the story and have their opinions on it. While I'm not pointing any fingers at anyone trying to convert the masses, I encourage you all to only share what God lays upon your heart to share. It can be very easy to ramble on to a listening ear, but I encourage you to pray and consider carefully everything you put up here. This applies to real life, too; our non-Christian friends sometimes need friends more than pastors, and a listening ear is much more appealing and worthy of trust than a preaching mouth. If you want to share the gospel, share what Christ has done in your life, then you've got a good start. You've got passion. But passion without direction can be dangerous, and I hope you all pray and take into consideration what I've said. I just want what's best for us all. 

-Roren 


End file.
